Valentine's Day Massacre

On the radio this morning, the newscaster uttered the teaser going into a commercial: "Up next, why do so many men wait until the last minute to get a Valentine's Day present?" My first reaction was that of surprise - surprise that the question is not "Why do so many men EVEN GET a Valentine's Day present?". Then I looked down to my lap and remembered why.

Seriously, though. Why? Valentine's Day has become yet another commercially driven obligation-based event. Many companies use it, like Christmas, to exploit a sense of obligation in attempt to separate you from your money. (Arrgh, I'm such the bitter miser). But am I entirely wrong? Looking at the ads that seem to be most prevalent during January-mid February timeframe, the two most appropriate gifts that a creatively deficient male can give his significant other is lingerie, flowers, or chocolate. Let's examine these "gifts", shall we?

Lingerie. Who is this gift really for? For women. Really? No. Who are they kidding. Lingerie is a gift for the man, like expensive wrapping paper. It makes the package look enticing, and two seconds later it's crumpled up on the floor.

Flowers. This is a sucker's gift. How come the same dozen roses that costs $80 can be had for $25 two weeks prior and one day after. For a couple of days worth of making the house smell like a mortuary. Romantic. Guys, you want to embarass the snot out of your lady? Send them to her at her place of work, so all of her coworkers gossip about why she was 15 minutes late and seemed a little tired that morning.

Chocolates. These are just plain cruel. The ultimate in double standards. Usually given by the same men who wish their bride was just a bit thinner. And received by brides who wish their husbands were not quite so cheap - couldn't they have gotten her some flowers instead? And what about lingerie, are you trying to say that by not giving lingerie that she's too fat? And on top of that, you show up with chocolates??? You bastard! All your stuff is now on the lawn.

Face it, the only gift most men figure they need to get is God-given, located between their belly and knees. That's right, their brain. Use it to be creative and just show some thoughfulness. It's much cheaper than flowers. And it can be done anytime, not just when the media says that you're obligated.

Reasons NOT to see Brokeback Mountain

Many of us now, whether we know it or not, have that one relative who is "out". And invariably this relative has email access, and has already sent out a message or two to their entire address book recommending the Oscar-nominated picture "Brokeback Mountain". It's supposed to be a very good movie, well acted and directed. About gay cowboys. And straight men should go see it. The email lists a number of reasons why we should be compelled to see it.

I've compiled a list of reasons why I do NOT have to see this movie. And none of them involve homophopia:

1. I am a early middle-aged straight man with two kids. I do not go to movies.

2. I watch maybe one movie a month. And I get it from Blockbuster.

3. The movies I like to watch are those I expect will entertain me. This means that the movie ought to be funny, or there probably ought to be scantily clad young women, or some pretty neat explosions and/or other compelling (but not over-the-top) violence.

4. I don't like to see movies that explore relationships. Not even between men and women.

5. I don't care for westerns. Not since John Wayne and Clint Eastwood stopped making them.

6. Some might claim that my declination (is that a word?) to see it indicates that I have fears that I myself might have gay inclinations. My counterargument to that is that I never saw Dukes of Hazard. Does that mean that I'm afraid that I might be attracted to Jessica Simpson or fast cars? Or that I might be a WT redneck?


It seems like most of the acclaimed movies this award season have to do with homosexuality. Brokeback Mountain, TransAmerica, and the Truman Capote one, I don't even know the title. No wonder the middle east looks at the west and views us as Sodom and Gomorrah with nucular capabilities. I think Iran is devloping theirs just to keep our movies out of their theaters.