Pat Robertson's Not-So-Excellent Misadventure

[Pat] Robertson, the founder of the Christian Coalition and a leader of the Christian right that has provided strong support for Bush, said on Monday of Chavez's fears: "If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it." (Reuters)

When a Christian leader makes such an asinine statement, I gotta laugh. Christian Coalition. Humph. I'd say that this comment of his actually qualifies him, while not technically as a terrorist, but, as an every-bit-as-despicable religious extremist as any of those who are enlisted in Al Qaeda. Terrorists are those who actually inflict terror, in my estimation. But then I'll admit I've never watched the 700 Club. Like Osama bin Laden, he is actually advocating the murder of another human being despite the doctrines of the faith to which they are so rigorously devoted that they have perverted it altogether.

You just can't win claiming that you're a Christian. To claim to be Christian, you profess that it would be really really cool to be Christ-like. Face it, to be Christ-like is to be damn-near perfect. To claim to be Christian and go on the air, or even the freeway, you are sure to be called out as a Christian that sucks.

"But Tad", you say, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven".

That's right. I know. Christians aren't perfect because NO ONE is perfect. They may be forgiven by the Good Lord above, but don't take it for granted that your fellow humans are going to do so.

Now I've always considered myself a Christian, but my idea of being Christian is to try to embody the Christian ideals in my actions, not my words. And I don't claim it with what I say, or with a bumper sticker on my car, because it would be pretty obvious that I too was a hypocrite.

And as for fundamentalist Christians, I think that it is pretty much insane to turn off your brain and turn responsibility for all you thoughts and actions over to a book like the Bible, claiming that anything it says is fact, and that settles it. Didn't the Good Lord give you your brains to begin with? Isn't it apparent that there are enough contradictions in the Bible that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to live your life by it word-for-word? Take a step back, folks. Consider what it is trying to tell you. Don't fret about the wording.

So shut up about being Christian, and just do it.

I think that the Bible can be glibly summarized by a quote from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

"Be excellent to one another"

Pat Robertson is just another man. Narrow-minded, judgmental, afraid, insecure. He is not excellent.


"Moderation in all things" - Socrates
"Perfect love casteth out all fear" - the Bible

but also
"Blessed is he who smashes the head of his enemy on the rocks" -- somewhere in the Bible as well, I'm thinking Old-Testamentish.

Enough rambling for now.

Tad

Kitchen Towels

Do you know what's really annoying?

Kitchen towels with any kind of decorative applique sewn onto them. Those really bug the snot out of me. They're no good as kitchen towels, and if you use 'em, ya gotta wash 'em, and it ruins the decoration.

Since I don't regard them as the missing piece of the whole kitchen-decoration scheme, I think they're pretty useless. You can have 'em, and anything else with a country-kitchen theme as well. Decorative clutter.

Feh.

Ya Gotta Know When to Fold 'em

Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers was reinstated Tuesday from a 20-game suspension levied against him for a assaulting a television cameraman twice.

As you may recall, on June 29th he had shoved the cameraman and knocked him down in the team clubhouse when he objected to having the camera pointing in his general direction. Then, after he started to walk away, he stopped, turned around, came back, and proceeded to kick the man, who was still on the ground. That's two assaults. The victim went to the hospital. The camera went back to Tex's Electronic Repairs.

Mr. Rogers apparently has some anger management issues.

So Major League Baseball, in the form of Commissioner Bud Selig, put the hammer on Mr. Rogers to the extent that he was able to, according to the current Collective Bargaining Agreement. 20 game suspension and a $50,000 fine.

Sounds tough, right? Nearly three whole weeks of not being able to work, and forking over $50k. Well, thanks to the aformentioned Collective Bargaining Agreement, the suspension was only a suspension from playing, and not from getting paid. He got a three week paid vacation. One that included his participating in the All-Star game, which coincidentally, pays $50,000. I should have that luck. I just wouldn't want ot have to beat someone up to get it.

It is true that Mr. Rogers apologized publicly, turned himself into police and was freed on bail. I have not seen evidence that the cameraman has pressed charges. Perhaps the victim doesn't want to be the bad guy and have the local team's star pitcher sent up the river. What a shame.

I'm not impressed, Mr. Rogers. What are you going to do to assure those around you that you do not intend for this to happen again?

But, the story gets happier. After serving only 13 days of the suspension, yesterday arbitrator Shyam Das ruled that the commissioner went too far, and ended the suspension. He also ruled that the $50,000 fine will be converted to a charitable contribution. This is great! Now Rogers is ahead on the deal, since he'll have a nice little tax deduction that he wouldn't have otherwise had. Oh, and if there were any incentives in his CONTRACT that are jeopardized by him missing games, the games he missed cannot be held against him. Isn't there a morals clause in that contract? Or did the union successfully get that "must adhere to the same laws as everyone else" loophole successfully expunged from the CBA.

Excuse my French, but Mr Shyam Das is an ASS. I don't pretend to know how an arbitrator got involved after the discipline was handed out, and I rarely agree with anything that Bud Selig does in the interest of the game, but I think the penalty he handed down was at least a good start. And now, even the wrist slap is going to be massaged with hand lotion and kissed.

Said Selig: "I strongly disagree with arbitrator Das' decision today. It sends the wrong message to every one of our constituents: the fans, the media, and our players."

"There is a standard of behavior that is expected of our players, which was breached in this case. The arbitrator's decision diminishes that standard and is contrary to the terms of the collective bargaining agreement. In my opinion, the decision is seriously ill-conceived," he said in a statement. (Source: Associated Press)

If good ol' Tad got sufficiently annoyed and went medieval on another human being like that, sure as hell I'd lose my job, be arrested, and my family will be left homeless after not being able to come up with the money to pay such a fine. But Mr Rogers is a pseudo-celebrity, so we use a different standard for him, as we do with all other professional athletes/amateur primadonnas.

Here is Tad's idea of justice for Mr. Rogers:

1. You're fired. This behavior should not be acceptable by any employer.
2. You're under arrest.
3. If the victim wishes not to press charges, it doesn't mean you don't have a problem. You're on probation. Get yourself into an angry-man rehabilitation. Do public-service announcements to raise public awareness about emotionally healthy ways to vent anger, such as knitting or blog-writing.
4. Provide any and all restitution to the victim and his employer.

That is what I regard as taking responsibility for your actions.

Mr. Roger's behavior gave not only the cameraman, but Baseball another black eye.

When I was a kid growing up, I wanted to be a big league player. I learned eventually that I was not cut out for it. Now as my kids grow up and are learning to play, less and less do I want them to pursue a career as an athlete. I would be happy if they did anything, as long as they did not beat people up.

Today I cleaned my toaster

... it has been a good day.

Visitors from Afar, day 3/4

Ahhh, Saturday finally. I awake knowing that our guests will be out visiting some other friends for a while today, so I will get to enjoy the day with my family.

I get to sleep in to an almost unheard of 9:00 AM. Well, not strictly. It's Saturday, so Thing 1 and Thing 2 wake up around 7:00 or 7:30 and make their way into our bed, begging to turn on the TV to watch cartoons. After about 10 minutes of persistent begging, we finally relent, just to get a few more precious moments of sleep. So I wound up not getting up until nine, when the kids were too hungry to sit still any longer.

Fortunately, Jan and Ted were up and nearly ready to go, and left without anything worth writing about happening.

I sat at my computer to check my email. Hmmm, a number of emails from major newspapers. They do not seem to be spam seeking a subscription. Hey, wait a minute! These are sent to my address, but addressed to Ted! When he used my computer the other night, that stupid %^#!@#&%! used MY EMAIL ACCOUNT to tell all of these newspapers about his pathetic struggles and the decision from a judge that vindicated him and validated that he was indeed a poor, sad, discriminated-against white male. And I got all of his form replies thanking him for his submission, and politely telling him to get lost. Sheesh, I could've done that. I sent an email to the professor advising him of his error in etiquette and forwarded all of the form replies back to him. Oh, how that pissed me off. However, I honestly don't that he was being mean, or that he is stupid. I think that he just didn't care enough to consider the consequences of his actions. And THAT, my friends, is stupid.

But, with Jan, Cameron, and Ted gone for the afternoon, we headed out to the mall - see my post on Potty Training and the Target Demographic. After we returned, the kids went down for a nap, and our guests had not yet returned.

So I headed over to Sam's Club to load up on meat to barbecue that night. Jan's mother, sister, and cousin were coming over, as well as my in-laws and maybe a few other folks who wanted to spend time with Jan. The ladies were to play cards until the wee hours and kibbutz, as they are wont to do. In the meantime, I would be busy cooking and then cleaning, so I would achieve the double bonus of a) avoiding Ted, and b) hearing the other women tell my wife what a wonderful husband she has. She really does, you know.

I got back, unloaded the booty from the truck, and fired up the grill. I rubbed some spareribs and tri-tip with a tasty ginger-garlic-rosemary rub that I'd invented a couple of weeks ago. As if I am the first. As I'm doing this, Jan, Ted, Cameron, and Marcus arrive. Ah good, I thought, I did not waste my money on a truckload of meat, Marcus is here. They brought some things in from the car to the guest room, and Jan and Cameron came out to join us, since we were getting the kids in the pool.

I glimpsed Ted leaving with Marcus, Jan said that they were heading out to get some more coffee for Ted. Apparently they had some sort of tiff over coffee while they were out. Not my business, I got me some meat to grill.

That's the last I saw of Ted.

Shortly thereafter, Jan's cousin Julie arrives. I've met Julie on a handful of occasions when Jan has come to visit. A very pleasant girl, single, about 30 give or take, if I were a guessing man. As I'm carrying the Tri-tip steak to the grill I ask her, tongue in cheek "Do you eat beef? Because if you're a vegetarian, I've got also got some nice pork spareribs..."

To which she responded, "...um, actually I am."

Oops. Faux pas. At least we had a bushel of my in-laws home grown zucchini that I was also planning on grilling, as well as some corn on the cob and salad.

I totally respect people who have decided to be vegetarian, I was just being a smart-ass. That gets me into trouble sometimes. Fortunately, Julie recognized the (attempt at) humor and was not offended. Did I say that she was pleasant?

So I cook up a mess o' meat, and vegetables, and even baked a loaf of bread in the dutch oven on the grill. Never tried that before, it worked out pretty nicely. Dutch ovens are wonderful for outdoor cooking when it's hot out.

Come time to eat, my in-laws arrived, as had Jan's mom, but no sister. Also, no sign of Ted or Marcus. Jan said that Ted had dropped off Lucas and was not feeling well, so he turned in early.

This is not good, I thought. Ted is notorious for wanting to get the hell out of Dodge on getaway day, after all it takes them 8 hours to get home. I had the feeling that he was setting up to sabotage Jan's late night of visiting with her family, which she rarely gets to do, by getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to hit the road.

Those of us who were there had a lovely dinner, and the ladies helped the kids get to bed while I cleaned up a bit, and then the ladies began their card playing. It wound down around midnight (kind of early for this sort of occasion), and Jan thanked me for the hospitality and said goodbye since she wasn't sure that she would see me in the morning.

Jan sure is nice, and I'm not being sarcastic here. I truly enjoy having her come around. She's my wife's best friend, and it really brightens her days when she's around.

I turned in, and my wife came to bed a short while later.

The next thing I know, I awaken to the sound of the front door slamming. Then, after a few more moments, it slams again. And again. This happens a number of times. It's 5:30 AM. I guess Ted doesn't want to hang around for pancakes, I thought. And I make some seriously wicked awesome pancakes. At least I think I do. But this knob is bent on leaving before the sun. Fine with me, I wish he would have just let Jan and the baby come on their own.

My wife goes downstairs to see them off. She tells Jan, with Ted right there, to just leave the door open. The kids are sleeping. He walks out and slam! He walks back in and slam! again. I hope it hits him in the ass on the way out.

When I got up a couple of hours later, they were gone.

Hours later, Jan called to tell us they arrived home safely. I took the call.

"Jan, I am so glad that you and Cameron got to stay with us. I had a good time." I told her. "Anytime you and Cameron want to come out, you're more than welcome."

It was genuine. I'm sure she understood me perfectly.

Visitors from afar, day 2

If you have not already, you might want to read the previous entry, or just give it a good skim.

At least I get to go to work during the day and I'm not forced to spend too much time with Mr. Fascinating. But Ted is an early riser, and he is a coffee drinker. Oh, and not just coffee. Only triple-concentrated Kenyan estate coffee, ground from the bean. I awake about 30 minutes earlier than usual to the sound of the screaming coffee grinder. I don't know about you, but me no like waking up extra early. So this is followed by the strong aroma of coffee, which I am not opposed to, but the vapors of which are awakening and wiring not only the kids but the entire neighborhood as well. Argh.

I arrive downstairs, he is reading my paper and having a cup. I go to fill my commuter mug, and see that whatever it was that he put in the basket would not allow water to pass through, at least in a timely manner, and overflowed all over the warmer plate. He seemed little concerned, so I went ahead and cleaned it up, seething. I noticed the lever that cut off flow when the pot is removed was lying on the counter next to the maker. "Oh, I guess Jan broke that when she was cleaning it yesterday..." Grrrrrrr. It sure didn't cause him to be patient enough to wait the 7 minutes for the pot to brew before he HAD to fill his cup, letting the maker automatically drip all over itself and the counter.

I acted like I was in a rush, which was really no act since I just wanted to get the hell out. I headed to work.

The day goes pretty well, but I'm dreading the trip home. Not so much the traffic, but arriving. I take a more scenic route to buy myself about 10 extra minutes of quality me-time. I don't want to drag my feet too long because the wife is working tonight and Jan and Ted are watching my kids, Thing 1 and Thing 2. Oops - meant to say that just Jan is watching them, plus her own.

I arrive home and find that we've been joined by Ted's oldest son by his first marriage. Yes, there was someone from whom Jan did not learn a lesson, and that is Ted's first wife. His son, Marcus, is cut from the same cloth as Ted. He too is at least 6 feet eleventeen inches tall, and a good 300 lbs. At 21 years of age, he has the maturity of an eleven-year-old. And the personality (at least he has one) of a complete dork. He is a third-year literature student in college, and enjoys nothing better than obscure references to literature that only third-year lit students would ever get. Truly a clone of his father, except that he tries pathetically to be funny.

So I arrive home, the children had been napping. My two had just awoken and were watching TV, and Cameron was still sleeping. So Jan announced that she was going for a quick jog. No problem, pretending to dote on my children will preclude my feigning polite discussions about reverse discrimination and other professors padding grades. This worked well for about 15 minutes.

Then Cameron woke up and began a-fussin' and a-cryin' in his port-a-crib. And he cried, and cried. And cried some more. Ted and Marcus seemed pretty wrapt in the Thomas the Tank Engine video that Thing 1 and Thing2 were watching. I had to reach the remote and squint, trying to find the pause button among the 250 buttons on it. (I guess the Japanese do not have fat fingers like we lazy Americans do.)

I succeed in silencing Sir Topham Hatt in the midst of scolding a very naughty engine so that Cameron's father can hear his dear child suffering. So he did what any self-absorbed father would do - send the older son in to get the baby.

Marcus brought Cameron out to the family room where we were, where Cameron proceeded to kick up the volume and intensity. Cameron is really attached to his mother, probably because his father would prefer to only handle him with a blacksmith's tongs. He missed his mommy.

It was pretty comical, yet sad, to see the display of the inept attempts at child care that then proceeded. The child wailed, so the troublshooting duo of dad and older brother finally got busy. Check the diaper. Nope, it's dry, so that's not it. Hmmm. The kid just had a nap, so it's probably not tired. Hmmmm. Hmmm. Child wailing. Hmmmm. Hmmm. He probably just misses mommy.

I couldn't take it anymore. These buffoons wouldn't recognize a hungry child if he was wearing a T-Shirt that said "FEED ME, NUMBSKULL!!" I went into the kitchen to get some cheese and grapes, which for some reason all kids with 8 teeth seem to really love. As I was doing this, dad had his own brainstorm - call Jan, try to make the problem hers, and deny her of any bit of personal time that she probably has had in a week. I came back from the kitchen with a small bowl of food that Cameron just tore into, and finally there was peace.

At this point I really feel for the kid, and I still do. It made me realize that not everyone is born into this world to 2 loving parents that are glad to have you around.

Please do not misinterpret me here. Ted is not mean. He is just so utterly self absorbed that his actions by their very nature make him appear to be a right selfish prick.

I proceeded to start foraging through the kitchen for further sustenance for our guests when the suggestion came up to just order a pizza. Sounded good to me. I ordered two, just to ensure that there would be enough. I asked Marcus if there was anything that he did not care for on his pizza. Yes there was, he responded, no vegetables please.

Now one of the few parenting achivements that my wife and I are proiud of is that even our 5- and 2-year old eat some vegetables. Having them surrounded by a pizza made it even easier. But not for Paul Bunyan Jr. - he had to have plenty of red meat.

So we got a meat pizza, and a combo with veggies. Jan had arrived back, and we ate. And Marcus ate. Probably a full 3/4 of the meat pizza until I politely suggested that perhaps my wife might enjoy a slice or two when she got off of work. Had to cut him off, or he would have eaten the placemat as well.

Jan slipped me some money for the food afterward. No such overtures were made by Professor Breadwinner.

Finally my wife arrived, but unfortunately getting the kids bathed and into bed took away from any further significant quality time with Ted. Too bad.

Tomorrow will be Saturday, they will be off visiting some other acquaintances, so at least I won't have to share my space with Dolt and Dolt Jr.

Continued tomorrow!

Visitors from afar, day 1.

The names in this account have been changed to protect the innocent, and cover my own ass.

This past weekend, my wife's best friend Jan, who lives out of state, came to stay with us for a visit. Jan was her maid of honor at her wedding, and is a very happy, enjoyable person to be around.

With Jan comes her adorable 20 month-old child, Cameron. Very cute kid. Oh, and her husband, Ted, also came along.

Jan orginally met Ted when my wife and I were dating, while he was getting his PhD at a local university. After he graduated, they moved to the Carolinas for a couple years and got married before he got a job teaching at the college level in Arizona.

Let me describe Ted for you. He is a man-mountain, a thick 6'10", and not fat, but big-boned. He is a fairly quiet person. And, he also has no concept of consideration for certain other people, especially, oh let's see - EVERYONE. Ted is a self-absorbed academic.

Now I don't like to categorize people and prejudge them based on stereotypes, but some stereotypes exist because there is at least some shred of truth to them. For instance, when I was taking engineering in college, and subsequently got a job at a major aerospace firm, my father commented to me that he couldn't picture me working there because I had "too much personality" to be an engineer. Stereotype through and through, I know. Engineers are dull and techno-centric, who alienate all other people by their intense focus on technical details. But as I began working there, I did find that about half of the engineers there personified this stereotype. It was eye-opening to me that half were actually very cool people with interesting personalities that were a pleasure to talk with.

But Ted is an academic that fits the profile that I myself have witnessed throughout my college and brief grad-school experience. Many academics are academics because they enjoy the recognition and attention that they receive for understanding something better than everyone else, and deploy a certain bit o smugness about it. Further, I believe that not all, but many academics secretly loathe teaching, not because they do not have a passion for their field of expertise, but because down deep they are very insecure, and secretly afraid that if they explained the essence of their field in a manner that was understandable to anyone else, then their command of the subject matter would no longer be unique, and they would no longer be special. I believe that Ted fits this rash generalization. Ted's field is Intertextualism in Spanish Literature.

Can you guess where this is going? My wife's best friend is in town. The ladies chat to catch up with each other, talk about mothering, children, yadda yadda yadda, and the men are left in the family room to watch TV and talk about men things.

The conversation on Spanish Intertextualism lasts about 30 seconds, since that's about as long as I could even pretend to give a shit about it.

Being a good host, I yield the remote control to Ted. Baseball? Nah. Racing? Sports? Nah. How about some nice Mexican Novelas or news program. OK, now I'm bored in my own house. In front of my own big-screen television.

Well, we could talk about other aspects of work that have to do with beauracracy or other administrivia, you know, the common-denominator sort of stuff that happens in just about any office. So he launches in on how he has been discriminated against at work because he is a white male. A few years ago, his department head apparently came in and gave blanket raises to everyone except the white males, because, if you listen to Ted, white males were making too much more money than the non-whites and non-males in the department. I guess that's injustice, I'll grant him that. The bottom line is that he spearheaded the effort to take the case to court, and his group of white guys had just won a decision. No money yet, but an important victory.

So he asked if he could use my computer to search the web about news stories on it, since this story about how he was dissed by the man ought to be front-page news on the Washington Post or something. Yes, of course, please be my guest, have at it. I don't want to be rude, and this was pretty important, to him anyway. So he goes off to my office upstairs for an hour or so, and I get to watch the ball game. Ah, at least I get sit in my chair for an hour or so while the boor is keeping himself busy.

To be continued...